Oh, the Irony!

Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

New Lingo for an Old Priest

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age. A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!"

Baseball

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, their 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy, who says, “Dark in here.” The man says yes it is. The little boy says he has a baseball. The man says that’s nice. The little boy asks would you like to buy it. The man says no thanks. The boy says that his Dad is outside. The man says OK, how much? The boy says $250.

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and his mom’s lover are in the same closet. The boy says, dark in here. The man says yes. The boy says that he has a baseball glove. The man remembers the last time and asks how much? The boy demands $750.

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove,” “Let’s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold them.” The father asks, “How much did you sell it for?” The son says $1000. The father says, that’s terrible to over charge your friends like that. That is way more than those things cost. I am going to take you to church to confess.

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again.”

Almost Got Caught

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"