Oh, the Irony!

Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Church Restoration Project

There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.

Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Not tonight, Adam

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve."

And Adam said, "What is 'caress'?"

So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss!"

And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve."

And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"

So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"